stephenfowlersucks.com

I found this letter on facebook, this letter was NOT written by The Average American but by an average american:


Dear Mr. Fowler (as well as any ancillary persons reading this e-mail at your place of employment),

I recently viewed an episode of ABC's 'Wife Swap', a show with which I am none too familiar. My wife stole my attention and implored me to watch the show with her. She said that I would find you amazing, and she was entirely correct.

Let me tell you about myself rather quickly. I am an educated man myself, and my IQ has been tested in the same range as yours (if I'm being entirely honest, I've only tested around 145... not quite the impressive 158 that you boast. Kudos sir.) Professionally, I am quite successful. I am the Director of Marketing for a large real estate firm in New York. Also like you, I consider myself to be well traveled and worldly, having spent much time abroad and having had the opportunity to visit most of Europe. Living in New York I am proud to call myself a progressive liberal, and believe that my political leanings stand as a testament to the nature of my Renaissance spirit. I tell you these things about myself lest you mistake me for a "po-dunk redneck", because God forbid that you classify me among "those people."

Having recently finished a viewing of the program I must applaud you sir for your bravery. It must not have been easy for you to take such a righteous stance. You have demonstrated a high level of courage. You dispensed with any good will that could have been shown to you had you made your views known with poise and dignity. Rather, you decided to walk to road less traveled and demonstrated your views through naked aggression and ruthless verbal battery. Well done. You took someone who you found to be a lesser human being than you and methodically and cunningly destroyed her entire value system. Incredible job. It is readily apparent that you had full understanding that doing so would alienate your entire family (including your small children) and possibly put your career and reputation at risk... but you paid no mind to these meaningless detours. You walked a hard line because you believed in it. Outstanding. You recognized that this woman was part of the uneducated masses that make up the entire middle part of this horrible disgusting country that we call America. Some may say that this is an unfair and ignorant categorization of a entire geographically located and socio-economic grouping of people... perhaps even citing that over 1.4 million people from this woman's home state recently voted for Barack Obama. Some might equate this to an American who classifies most Brits as obnoxious alcoholic football hooligans with obvious traces of centuries of inbreeding and a tradition of substandard hygiene. But not me sir, no.

I also watched and applauded as you demonstrated what can only be described as a coldly scientific approach to parenting. You value education above all other things, and when you recognized that this value was not shared by this woman, you attacked her for cerebral shortcomings. You even went so far as to whisper into the ears of your children how awful and stupid this woman would be, and your daughter (being the perfect little mime) replicated these thoughts. It is apparent that she will grow to be just like her parents... extremely well educated and devoid of any compassion or modesty. You can surely be proud of this as compassion and modesty are over rated and traits that only the weak applaud... even if they are principle tenants shared by nearly every major religion in the world. I say how dare this woman not value education above all else, including familial love and childhood joy. Take your son for instance. You have obviously showed him the true meaning of education by forcing him to engage in activities that he obviously has zero interest in and at times removing any feelings of paternal love and support. It would appear that, like your daughter, he will grow to be an intelligent and successful adult... even if it comes at the cost of normal socialization skills and basic human decency. Bravo!

I worry for you sir. Not from physical harm mind you, but simply from the public relations backlash and community ostracizing that will surely be coming your way. I wonder if some of your comments, the ones in which you seemed to paint American and Americans with a broad brush, will come back to haunt you. I should surely hope not. Take for instance your obvious and unabashed dislike for America. I wonder if an injured veteran who had once assisted your British brethren in wartime in say Germany, or Iraq might take these comments. But if you think about it this injured Soldier or Sailor is most likely uneducated and likely had no other options available but military service, so what difference would their opinions be? I suppose though that there are individuals such as Academy Graduates and ROTC students who excelled in school who could have voluntarily chose to serve America... but they probably wouldn't have a problem with you, and if they did who would care again... they're "less than you" for having decided to serve such a wretched country.

You are obviously a very wealthy man, and you are not very modest about your riches, and why should you be? You come across as patently elitist and snobbish, and there is nary a moment that goes by in your life where you are not sizing up and categorizing what class a person belongs in. I say good on you for that... you've earned that right haven't you? To the victor goes the spoils as they say. You laugh in the face of a deep recession because you are smarter than everyone else. I fear though, that your wife might receive some of the backlash though. She is what again? Oh, I recall. She is a "Certified Life Coach" and "Weight Loss Counselor". In such an economy where trivial endeavors and purchases are the first thing that people dispense with, this career path will surely be steady. But wait... wouldn't that make most of her clients the obese and those who need someone to guide their lives? Yes, I suppose. And are not these the same people that she has alienated by her obvious agreement to your methods and policies? I can only hope that her client base does not fade into oblivion.

On a much smaller note, I'd like to applaud you on your smashing wardrobe. I myself am what you would call an active environmentalist. I drive a hybrid, I lobby for the use of sustainable energy sources and I work tirelessly to reduce by carbon footprint each and every day. That being said, I've never thought to tailor my entire wardrobe around pithy t-shirts that send this message out loudly and obnoxiously. I think that its great that you do though. Some would say that this is simply another way of making those around you feel less than, and advertising your superiority. But I again disagree. I think that its just fantastic that you make your policies part of your daily look. I don't care if people call you a complete and total douchebag... you're aces in my book.

Lastly, please let me clear something up. In the event that this hasn't already occurred to you and your ultra dry English sense of humor... please know that I have employed the use of sarcasm throughout this e-mail. When I said that I agreed with you, I do not. When I spoke of liking you, I should clarify that instead I find you to be the worst type of elitist scum. You sir are arrogant when you have no currency to spend in that department. How dare you. How dare you attack this woman. I will not stick up for her, because I too find fault with a great many of her choices. But what I will do is admonish you for the wrath that you vomited out of your disgusting crooked mouth. You have no right to cast aspersions on anyone when your world is fraught with failure. You sir, are a failure as a parent, as a husband, as a citizen of this world, and as human being. I am not a "flag waiving" American. I do not have a magnetic sticker on the back of my car, and I have found great fault with this country for the past decade. But I do love this country nonetheless. I care for her and her peoples with all of my heart... warts and all. I would submit that you have heard this argument before, probably formed in cursing colloquialisms, but let me say it again.............. if you have this much fault with a country that has provided you with such great riches, I would ask you that you please book the next possible flight to anywhere but here and leave it immediately. We have no place for you here, nor your wife. If you'd like to leave your children here, we'll gladly foster them and show them what a well rounded, moderate and loving life could be. If you insist on making them little clones of yourself, then by all means.... take them the fuck with you, you rude disgusting little limey prick.

Warm regards